The Upside to Job Loss: Finding Hope for the Future

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Contents

  1. Job Loss and Unemployment Stress
  2. Helping young people achieve their career dreams
  3. About Grief | Wendt Center

For some reason, I told him this, and he said: "Yes, I appear to be shrinking. He didn't look too unhappy about it.


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Something about the day was too banal, and there was too much. I knew I wasn't going to say anything personal to him ever again. Besides, technically, I had already moved on by then, following the directive that, at some point, you have to get back out there.

Finding Hope After Losing a Child

I wasn't much interested in other men, but I made myself be interested; the one thing that seemed obvious, from my vantage point in the slough of despond was that only the distraction of another relationship was going to help me get out of it. The memory of being tracked at night across the sheet by someone intent on spooning in his sleep wasn't fading: quite the opposite. It had become powerful and undermining. It wasn't the prospect of being alone that was the problem. But I was constantly haunted. If you work at home and don't talk to strangers in pubs or do sport or belong to associations, and don't have school-age children, it is very hard to meet new people.

After a while it seemed obvious that online dating was the only way forward, though I wasn't prepared for how much effort that would take.

Job Loss and Unemployment Stress

The process of being "on offer" was not only humiliating, but time-intensive. Soon, a significant chunk of every evening was taken up patrolling half-a-dozen dating websites, pruning my advertising copy and getting into conversation with people. There are different rules there, inside the digital flirtation pool, and people behave in ways they never would otherwise. One high-achieving, emotionally literate, sane-seeming man sent two emails a day for a month, growing ever more sure I was the woman for him, before deciding he didn't want to meet after all. Not meeting became the norm.

Sometimes just before the date the confession emerged: his unusual fetish, his being a decade older than the profile suggested or the existence of a wife watching television in the next room, entirely oblivious. At other times it was simpler: he got off on the attention and was lonely, but not actually interested. Partly this was to do with being middle-aged and out of shape.

There are times in life when the sea is more attractive than the lifeboat. Unrequitedness was a big issue. Rows and rows of contestants, even of age plus, specified that they would meet only females under 30 who were a maximum size A man of 56 told me: "Plain fact is, you're the wrong side of 40 and Rubenesque, which means you've got very little prestige.

It was all very disheartening and the end result was that I became grateful for crumbs of hope. In that situation, if someone nice crosses your path, genuinely single, not alarming-looking, someone you like on first sight, and the date goes well, and he's keen to have a second: the day this happens is a magnificently lucky day. It seemed less and less likely that it would happen.

Helping young people achieve their career dreams

I wasn't sure, after the first date — nervously, he talked a lot about fibre optics — and that's when lots of people give up, thinking that if there is no instant "spark", there's no point. There's a lot of crap talked about the spark. I can tell you from my own experience that sometimes it doesn't emerge for quite a while. Sometimes, people are just slow to get to know.

Some of the most endearing things about Eric have only emerged over time. Besides knowing a lot about the stars and about science, he has a secret passion for romcoms, is a buyer of surprise flowers and tickets, is up for budget flights on winter weekends, and is the uncrowned prince of DIY. It also turns out that he is the kindest man I have ever met. If I were to lock myself in the bathroom and howl like a wounded fox, as I did the night my ex made his announcement, Eric would be distraught.

He would sit on the floor and talk to me through the door, and beg to be let in to comfort me. Kindness is too often under-rated. What is also noticeable is the constant physical proximity when we are together: the snuggling, the wanting to have a point of contact when sitting — a shoulder, a knee — and the frequent glancing touches when we are cooking together; the fact that even when it's cold, he'll take one glove off in the street so that we can hold hands skin to skin.

Not that things are simple. At the start I spent a lot of time fighting it, convinced I couldn't see anyone else until the shadow was gone. What would you like to know about this product? Please enter your name, your email and your question regarding the product in the fields below, and we'll answer you in the next hours.


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    About Grief | Wendt Center

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